I feel compelled to write this post today.
A week ago, I went away to my fourth module of my yoga teacher training. This is a three year course and I am now at the beginning of the second year. To say that this course and this yoga is changing my life, is an understatement. Dru yoga is called yoga of the heart. If you would like to experience your heart expanding, this is definitely the yoga for you to try.
In the last three modules, we had been moving up our lower three chakras (base, sacral and solar plexus) and this was a module we were all looking forward to because we were going to be concentrating on opening our hearts. It was breathtaking to be learning different sequences and postures that were really strong, yet, soft and heart opening.
On the third day, we learnt a sequence, called The Seat of Compassion.
I have just found a video of the whole sequence on YouTube that someone has posted, you can watch it here. Here is a lovely explanation of the posture that is within the sequence. You can do it by yourself at home if you wish.
The sequence left me numb, shattered, scared and vulnerable. I got to my room at lunch time and had to lie down. I felt weak and terrified. I was yanked back to my childhood. The childhood I have spent years in therapy on. The one I thought had all been dealt with. The one I was so sick of going back to to deal with.
And yet, I was there. I was there in the moments when I would come home from school with my report card. When I brought home the product of all my hard work for the term. And I was yelled at because the marks were B’s and not A’s. I realised how vulnerable I must have been as a child in those moments. I thought of my own children. How beautiful, caring, loving and vulnerable they are. How sometimes I dismiss them because I am busy. How sometimes I yell at them because I am not centred within myself. And the realisation that when we are in a vulnerable place, our heart is open. So wide open. Especially as children. And when our hearts are open, it is so easy to put crap in there. When we are told that our report card is not good enough, our heart feels that WE are not good enough. And for each experience where our heart opens and it is filled with crap, we decide to close it a little bit more. Until we are adults and we cannot feel anymore.
Because our hearts are closed.
We have spent our lives protecting ourselves. And now we don’t feel. We have a massive, protective armour around ourselves and no one can come inside.
And in that moment of vulnerability, I was scared. I was so so shit scared to share what I was feeling, with my roommates. They sat there with me, hearts open, too. Encouraging me to share. Just holding the space for me to be vulnerable.
And I spoke. And through my tears, I shared with them what I have just shared with you. And it was a beautiful moment of healing and transformation. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable. To open our hearts and stand in our truth.
In that moment, I had a realisation. That I have been spending my whole life thinking that I am not good enough. I have made choices based on trying to prove that I am good enough. Conscious and unconscious. In that moment, I knew that I could walk away from a project I have been trying to force to happen. A project that has been bringing me incredible joy and satisfaction. Yet, it is not the essence of who I am at this point in my life. It is beautiful and inspiring, but it is not the only way for me to achieve what I am wanting to achieve right now.
I have nothing to prove anymore.
I am enough. Perfect as I am.
If I had not had that moment of vulnerability, I would not have had that breakthrough.
I feel liberated and alive. So excited to live my life.
And still reflecting on the power of yoga. Reflecting on personal transformations. Reflecting on the beauty of constantly reinventing ourselves. Reflecting that we are always healing our inner child. Reflecting that we are never done with our growth.
Reflecting that when someone shuts down when I share with them, when someone is unkind and hurtful, that it is not me. It is them. It is their wounded heart. Their heart that is only trying to protect itself from being even more hurt.
But, guess what? That is not courage. Courage is standing in our vulnerability. Showing up as ourselves. With the acceptance that some will like it. Some won’t. And it doesn’t matter.
Be true to yourself. That is where your true power lies.
And as you open your heart, magic will start to manifest in your life. This is an incredibly beautiful and abundant universe. Uncover your power a little bit at a time and the beauty of the universe will start to make itself clear in your life.
Our parents only do the best they can. Remember, they are also healing their inner child. You can read my old blog if you want to know how my own mother died.
And have a look at this incredible video of this courageous woman sharing her own vulnerability around her coming of age and her relationship with her body and cycles subsequent to that.
Give thanks for your vulnerability today. It is where your true courage lies.
Blessings to you.